In my experience as a counsellor, I have come across wonderful people who mean well but are totally frustrated in matters that have to do with relationships and success. Here are a few points to mull over;
Being good and nice doesn’t mean that people will be good and nice to you. Infact, good people get some of the worst treatment from others. This however, doesn’t mean that one should be nasty so as to get what’s good.
Remember that you can only overcome evil with good. Evil never overcame evil. Clean water washes off dirt. Though your goodness might never be appreciated to your satisfaction, you will have pushed back much evil and paralysed hordes of wickedness for the benefit of your society by simply being good.
Let your expectations be highest in matters that have to do with work and vocation but very low when it comes to love and relationships. Good relationships are very basic. The idealism of the movies we watch paints a false picture of love, romance, marriage and even the noble task of raising children.
The sitcoms and soap operas paint a perfect picture of family thereby raising relational standards in our minds to unattainable levels. A real family setting wouldn’t pass as good content for TV. A typical family setting is usually characterised by someone watching tv, another working on their lap top, another preparing a meal in the kitchen, someone doing homework, another cleaning up and some random fellow scratching their tummy. A little child could be crying somewhere and a little geek could be memorising certain aspects of computer functions and outer space phenomenon. These almost look boring yet they are the REALITY OF FAMILY LIFE. Fulfilment therefore comes from a good approach to REALITY.
These real aspects of life tend to shock the media minded lover, who expects rippling muscles and square cheeks in a man, or an augmented behind and a wasp like waist with futuristic pointers (pronounced mammary glands) in a woman, or a celebrity and a monied fellow. These very well gifted personalities are human beings by the end of the day and their amazing prowess or money skills don’t necessarily mean that they will perform as well in a relationship.
The fallacy of thinking that popular and rich people make good partners in relationships has been a major contributor to idealism. The ideal isn’t the answer. The answer is found in REALISM. It’s found in what’s REAL and practical.
People with very high expectations in relationships aim for idealism. When they get into a good relationship, they SABOTAGE it by being critical and judgemental. They think that a good singer should be as amazing at home as they are on stage. That a good business man should be astounding at home as they are in the money circles. The truth remains that a rich man can only afford what money can buy. Love is a different ball game altogether. Having a rich partner who knows the wherewithal of love is an advantage but the two aren’t necessarily compatible.
Frustrations arise when a top lawyer can’t seem to solve a simple relational problem with his spouse yet he deciphers and solves major legal problems all the time. Being rich, famous, good in business, amazing as a lawyer, a super model, a great politician and stuff like that is good for office and for affording what money can buy. Expecting the same success at home is idealistic and often leads to sabotage.
Some people are so used to trouble that when their partner doesn’t trouble them, they quite often push them up the wall till they hit the roof. They then say that ALL MEN/WOMEN ARE THE SAME.
One has to learn what love is and who a good lover is before venturing into a relationship, only to find it shallow and unfulfilling. If you grew up in an abusive family, your mindset and outlook on life is coloured by abuse and that becomes your mode of operation. You hate it but it’s all you know. You’ll end up sabotaging a good relationship because tenderness (as attractive as it is) feels strange to you. Roughness appears like your chartered waters.
You therefore must learn and reprogram your mind to accept genuine care and none abusive relationships.
Those who grew up in poverty desire so much to make it in life. They desire to have relationships with the rich. They work so hard to land a rich partner only to sabotage the relationship due to their incompetence in handling of financial matters.
One must therefore learn and master what they have been deficient in. Desiring something doesn’t necessarily mean that one has the competencies required for success in that area. Wanting to be loved isn’t the same as knowing what love is. The more desperate a person is for love, the higher their prospensity for sabotage. The more desperate one is for money, the higher their likelihood of engaging in illegal practices. The bottom line should be THAT OF DEVELOPMENT OF SKILLS AND COMPETENCIES IN ALL AREAS OF NEED AND DESIRES.
DESIRE WITHOUT KNOWLEDGE LEADS TO GULLIBILITY. ACHIEVEMENT WITHOUT SKILL LEADS TO SABOTAGE. Getting into a good relationship without relational skills leads to sabotage.
This is why it’s important for everyone to get a trusted MENTOR. The most highly accomplished and successful people in various aspects of life are highly MENTORED.
